Recently, organizations such as Ladies in Tech and Etsy have been promoting women and girls in technology. There are lectures, conferences, workshops. And also recently, the topic of confidence came up. How do you command respect when there’s a history of sexism and disrespect? How do you listen and present on a specialized topic when you feel you’d rather run into a corner somewhere and forget about the whole idea?
I did my first panel on Japanese sacred culture in 2004, at Otakon. At the time, Otakon wasn’t too large, but it was still in the realm of 18,000 attendees over the weekend; I was extremely nervous, as well. Who was I to present about a culture I was not brought up in? Who was I to present when I was still a university student? I was a tiny girl and nobody really had done this sort of panel. Who would listen to me? I frowned. I worried. I lost confidence.
I gained confidence by asking questions.
- Otakon 2004 was a get-together for members of the Megatokyo community, primarily those in the role-playing and discussion forums. Many of the people present during this get-together wanted to see my panel. I was from the community, and so I had time to ask them if they would like to see it. Some of it was that I would be there, yes, but also they were genuinely interested in being introduced to concepts from Buddhism (primarily Mahayana), Shinto, Confucianism, and so on. Knowing people wanted to see this panel helped ease my worries, at a time when cultural panels at conventions were still in their infancy.
- I did my research. I signed up for mailing lists and talked to Shinto priests. I talked to academics, inside Japan and out. I related my experience from when I was in Kobe that summer. I tried to plan the panel to account for the lecture part as well as to be able to take questions from the audience. I could not predict everything, such is the nature of talking in front of live audiences, but I was better prepared going in. (The Tsubaki Grand Shrine of America helped greatly, as they did have resources for me to ask questions; so did the wealth of information on Buddhism and Confucianism I had access to thanks to university.)
Yes, I still remained nervous. I still had doubts and stage fright. But I remember doing that panel, having a completely filled room to the point of people standing by the walls to listen and learn, and I remember being interviewed after the panel was over. I remember hearing Otakon attendees say how great it was to hear someone speak about how sacred culture is seen in animation, even when there’s no overt sign of a temple or shrine.
I remember friends.
Since then I’ve done multiple panels over the years, becoming more and more specialized. I’m still learning new things. I’m more comfortable looking into new avenues of thought, more curious about what doors may be out there to open.
Yes, you might be afraid. That’s fine. Ask questions anyway.
It’s easier to admit you do not know, and that you are willing to learn, than to say nothing at all.